Collector's editions happen when executives ask, "Can't people just give us more money for the same game?" and they've already released that year's Madden. Limited edition extras make as much sense as super-sizing a burger with a plastic model of a pickle and a hardback "History of Corporate Domination," but every month gamers queue up for the chance to spend even more on a game that's already making millions. Which is why Blizzard is unveiling its "We're Winning at Capitalism" Special Edition, which tattoos players with their account name and credit card number.
Okay, so that last one doesn't exist... yet. In the meantime, here are some collector's editions that you can waste your filthy lucre on, if you're so inclined.
Halo 3
For just 10 dollars players could get Halo 3 in a "Limited Edition" tin box, which offers little real benefit compared to the standard plastic case (unless you lose it in your front room and have a metal detector handy). If you just asked why any sane person would want that, or indeed just thought anything in less than a minute, move along with the happy knowledge this offer wasn't made with you in mind.
Unfortunately cases weren't made with discs in mind either: We're not saying that anyone who bought it was stupid, but even the person who designed the "tin disc case" couldn't remember all three of those words. They got the "tin" and "case," but when it came to "disc" they ran out of crayon and started eating their fingers, which is presumably why the case featured a shallow plastic nub which would have been hard-pressed to hold down a dead turtle. The discs easily popped off in transport and went on amazing adventures inside the metal, special-edition, manual-stuffed case (aka the most corner-filled enclosure since decagons).
This now-unimaginably Limited Edition included an extra disc, so the worst-designed box since "Hellraiser" was able to destroy 200% more discs than regular-edition customers even got (and were already playing). Luckily the Halo community is famously well-tempered, reacting to this minor annoyance with all the dignity and grace of a Tourettes-stricken parrot jammed under a cast-iron typewriter's exclamation-point key.
Lots of Mothers!!
In the most honest game release since "Harvest Moon: OCD Edition", the game "Lots Of Mothers!!" targeted men who jerk off to drawings and said "You guys ain't goin' nowhere." The Limited Edition came -- just like the players -- with a special manga and audio CD. There was also a "personal assistant," a latex-lined tube sock which manages to be even creepier than regular Fleshlights (because most people impregnating pieces of plastic piping at least pretend they're having sex with real women).
It pains us as writers to compliment anything that uses multiple exclamation marks, but on the other hand (which helps the game's players prevent blisters) at least Lots of Mothers!! is taking some responsibility. The developers understand that in the real world women don't react to every sexual advance with, "Yes please no matter what I say," so they've literally provided a vessel into which players can pour their frustrations. Even better, players who order by mail get two latex-lined tube socks, presumably to reward them for never leaving the house. And because they'll burn out the first one in the most horrific explosion of animated organic goo since the end of "Akira."
Bakugan
Bakugan was invented because it's impossible to patent marbles and children are stupid. If you've never played Bakugan, well done. Also: We're about to undo that. Imagine playing marbles in a corporate fantasy where you even have to buy the pieces of ground you play on (which incidentally makes sure that every game is actually the same random crapshoot), and stop every turn to do some maths. Some Bakugan sets include a calculator to speed this up, making it the worst children's game since Collect Candy From Strangers (Hide-in-Vans-and-Seek edition).
The Bakugan balls are plastic spheres which snap open to reveal vague shapes. Bakugan's heartless corporate masters then made fun of people paying for these overpriced bits of industrial refuse by making a DS game, and then the Limited Edition of the DS game made fun of people who paid even more by including another Bakugan ball. There hasn't been such a perfect recursive spiral of stupidity since Tila Tequila tried Swingball and was throttled by the rope while trying to insert the pole.
Assassin's Creed II
As well as a hardback book, a soundtrack, and a statue of everyone's favorite apparently invisible pimp-pajama-ed flashback victim, the AC2 Black Edition let GameStop customers do what they'd only ever dreamed of -- assuming the "they" meant GameStop itself. For the low, low price of 30 extra dollars, you also unlock more maps in the game. So if you're some kind of nutball who only pays game developers to actually develop games, the limited edition contains the most painfully expensive map since that Nazi's hand in "Raiders of the Lost Ark."
The thing is, these maps were ready before the release of the game. And Ubi decided to charge extra instead of putting them in said game. Add the fact that Ubisoft wasn't burned to the ground* the very next day means we'll be paying full price for pieces of games we've technically already bought for the rest of time. In unrelated news, look forward to Super Street Fighter IV later this year!
*The fact that Ubisoft went un-arsonized after releasing Petz: Horsez means it's probably never going to happen.
NBA 2K10
Mocking gamers for playing sports games is slightly less original than hating a clone of Carlos Mencia, but that's okay because we're not charging you for the privilege. Unlike Take Two, which ramped up the price of NBA 2K10 in the most aggressive combination of metalwork and taking the piss since Tony Stark drunk-drove his armor through an AA meeting.
The NBA 2K10 Anniversary Edition comes with a sports locker designed to hold twenty game boxes. At this point we don't know if it's an honest misunderstanding or they're just daring players to have horrifying moments of introspection and self-hatred. What we do know is that if you do buy one be sure to install it near a window. That way you can scream for help when you see what you've done, flashback to high school, pull your own underwear up between your lungs and stuff yourself into it.
Uncharted 2
When launched, Uncharted 2 took a decent stab at taking over every gaming site on the Internet, and it's literally doing the same to the lives of players by sending them ritual Vedic daggers. In a desperate attempt by Sony to drum up PS3 game sales by eliminating anyone else from the owners' lives, the Satanic stabbing implement (which you have to sign legal papers promising you're not a murderer to get) comes complete with mounting stand. We have never been so literal when saying, "Look at this god-damned thing."
We can honestly say this is the most terrifyingly crafted object we've ever seen.
If you bring somebody home and they see that gnarled shaft of pride on your coffee table, they'll dash for the exit and count themselves lucky if you only murder them. The Voorhees family would find that centerpiece disturbing -- at least their boy only killed people with a knife, not the screaming dildo of a cultist alien queen. That's 14 and a half inches of screaming-faced hard metal screeching "Quick, someone send a psychologist with a welding mask and electromagnetic protection to Naughty Dog's marketing department!"
Forza 3
Forza Motorsport 3 simulates high-stakes high-speed racing, which is why marketing burst into programming and shouted, "Give us something we can charge 20 dollars for by the end of this sentence!" The result was a Forza-branded 2 gigabyte USB memory key, yours for the low price of an extra 20 dollars. Which you might recognize as much more than those things cost, unless you're in Microsoft's target market for this bundle, in which case we've already used many more words than you were ready for.
Lucky Collector's Edition buyers also got a few cars which were "hand-tuned and hand-painted by the developers at Turn 10" -- in a game about racing and collecting cars, they paid the makers to play it for them. You also get an exclusive dashboard theme, and if you enjoy items like that, please take a break to call the staff and ask for some water: It's probably taken you about two days to read this far and that nasty feeling in your throat is called "thirst."
Star Trek Online
Combining World of Warcraft's gameplay with Star Trek can only be an attempt to isolate the nerd race from humanity and exterminate them. This was confirmed when not only the collector's edition but even the regular editions had exclusive extras if you pre-ordered. The problem is that seven different stores offered unique upgrades depending on which you bought it at, the first phase of a fiendish plot to cripple nerds by giving the real world the same sort of stat-comparison bullshit that turns games about murdering dragons into amateur accountancy.
The extras worked well to sum up their host stores:
GameStop: Gave customers the original Enterprise bridge, because they're both antiquated -- if fondly remembered -- chambers made obsolete by modern technology.
Best Buy: Give customers a Tribble, because that sucks.
Wal-Mart: Gave customers extra skill points, because that's literally the laziest and cheapest thing it's possible to do in an MMO short of paying a nerd to play it for you.
Amazon: Gave customers a "liberated" fetish-bait female Borg bridge officer, because it's online and therefore must include fan-fiction pictures of half-naked aliens.
Street Fighter IV
Dedicated fans had been looking forward to Street Fighter IV for years, and to Capcom that meant only one thing: Get some stainless steel rib-spreaders and adapt them for wallets. The Collector's Edition of SF4 came with a soundtrack, movie, statue, and a strategy guide (so Capcom can kill trees to call you an idiot who can't work games or the Internet). But until we start rolling up strategy guides and inserting them into their writers, these useless screenshot collections will continue to clog up our shelves and excitedly exclaim "Press Up to Jump!" The idea that someone could write that in 2008 and not be beaten reveals terrifying flaws in our education and criminal justice systems.
The included movie, "Ties That Bind", is the worst thing to happen to street violence since Mahatma Ghandi. Every time it looks like there's about to be a fight the animators suddenly remember they can't draw violence and desperately signal the writers to prevent it with plot. And if that plot is anything to go by, they communicate by using sign language and bananas, because those writers are not comfortable -- or even familiar -- with human languages. This film makes Choose Your Own Adventure novels look like adrenaline-soaked action movies.
The little plastic C. Viper model awarded to Xbox 360 owners does break convention by being a female plastic figure which actually wears clothing (though the sheer pressure of going against pervert custom has blown a Power Girl "exploitation hole" in her suit's chest). Unfortunately, it also breaks the convention of "making models of characters people like." In arcade terms, C. Viper's about as popular as finding chewing gum in a coin slot. She doesn't get the hate she deserves because Seth's in the same game. That's like not noticing how the Predator who just blew out your spine also spat in your drink.
Fallout 76
 CRIME Shirt $21.68 |
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CRIME Shirt $21.68 |