Warning: the following article includes graphic depictions of naked bodies that feature genitals that you yourself may already own and operate. That said, you may also become exposed to a different set of genitals which may be attached to your significant other – we know they look unfamiliar and strange, but don’t panic. Also, in some cases these videos will feature (crude) simulated sexual intercourse, and as a result, this article should not be viewed by anyone… anywhere… ever.
Lifesaving, litigation avoiding forewarning aside, how did this article ever get thought up? Quite innocently, actually. You see, we were happily playing GTA: The Lost and Damned when we were quite suddenly, quite deliberately, slapped in the face by a polygonal penis (metaphorically). We’ll show you that particular incident in a second, just be patient.
We were shocked, but we were also utterly impressed by the blatant, dare we say ‘ballsy’, move by Rockstar to unleash wang onto an unsuspecting gamer public. It made us ask ourselves; “has there been any nudity in video games of the past that can trump the Lost and Damned?” Seeking an answer we began backtracking to where nudity in videogaming began, and tracked how it evolved over the years. Here is a collection of some of the more memorable moments.
God of War 1 + 2
Type: Boobage and sex minigame
Rivalling most French films for its love of the naked female bosom, the first two God of War games were arguably the biggest fleshfest of the last generation. Don’t take our word for it…
God of War Chains of Olympus
Type: Boobage and (handheld) sex minigame
Hidden minigame in the PSP instalment of the God of War series. Pushes the boundaries of risqué and serves as a educational public service announcement for why candles shouldn’t be left unattended near vigorously bumping objects.
Saints Row 2
Everyone’s going streaking! Saints Row 2 is the unofficial king of videogame streaking and we hereby commend its contributions to our digital culture with this lovely video.
Indigo Prophecy (a.k.a. Fahrenheit)
Type: Love scene
David Cage’s hugely underrated adventure Fahrenheit is full of a great many things that label it created by a Frenchman: innovation of design, crazy plot, and nudie pants action. If you haven’t played this game yet, you should do it. Like, now.
Note: the mushy foreplay ends at the 1:20 mark.
Type: Lame arse porn game
The Atari 2600 was a dumping ground for some truly crap games (hi E.T.!!), but few were as crap and offensive as Custer’s Revenge. Despite that fact, it was a pioneer of the pixelated penis, and so we must regrettably include it in this auspicious list.
Beat ’em and eat ’em
Type: Lame arse porn game
We’re not going to waste time explaining this puerile excuse for entertainment, it is only here due to its historical importance in videogame nudity. Dodgy in all respects of the word, this truly was a low point in gaming. Warning: if you’re at all squeamish about semen, blocky, or otherwise – we recommend skipping this video.
Type: rocking arcade classic
Playing as monsters George (The Ape), Ralph (The Wolfman), and Lizzie (The unimaginatively named Lizard) was awesome fun in this arcade classic – even more so when you died and turned into a human in the nutty.
Note: Nudity occurs at the 2:41 mark
Type: Space Invaders meets genitals
In 1987 the PC title Astrotit was the rudest thing you could play from a 3.5” disk. Based on a fairly basic Space Invaders interface the aim of the game is to blow up mutant space boobies and bibles (wtf?) by firing sperm from your penis. Oh yeah, your shield was a condom. Innovative.
Leisure Suit Larry Series
Yes siree, 1987 was a good year for PC based smut. In this Sierra classic you had to guide the virginal Larry to some sexual action and hilarity ensued. As the years went on there were seven more sequels each more skin centric than the last.
Type: Hoax for horny gamers
While not an actual ‘real honest to goodness’ case of video game nudity, we feel the need to include this in the list because the original myth was so damned popular. Apparently, if you turned in a circle three times and hit a myriad of buttons in the PSX Tomb Raider, Lara would nude-up. Years later someone with a stupid amount of time on their hands then made a patch that actually did it. When they remade the original, the first thing horny hackers did was remake the patch too.
Dead or Alive
Type: Horny user mod
Speaking of horny fanboys with way too much time on their hands (among other things), when DOAX got released on Xbox the nerdlingers went nuts. Working around the clock day and night, a nerd chieftain discovered a way to hack into Team Ninja’s code and replace textures – and a new star was porn. Since then, all the luscious women of the Dead or Alive series have gone on become the target of nude mods.
Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Type: Horny User mod
Okay, if we continue to chronicle the nude patches on the Internet, this’ll be a fifty page document – so this’ll be the last one. Same dealio, some random found a way to strip his female character not only of armour, but of shirts and medieval bras too.
Soul Blade (a.k.a. Soul Edge)
Type: early cgi nipple and boob physics
Truly one of the most rockingest game introductions ever devised, Soul Blade on PSX was a revelation in the year of our lord 1996. Japanese gamers were treated to an uncensored version which showed a bit more of Sophitia, and here it is… Uncensored nudeage is at the 1:45 mark.
Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
Type: one for the ladies
Super disturbing for most male gamers out there, surprise playable character Raiden gets captured and then must gallivant onscreen with nothing but his tackle for protection. In retrospect, this no clothes level wasn’t that weird. Liquid Snake kissing Solid Snake in MGS4… that…. was weird.
Type: pixel penis and sex scene
A highly underrated adventure, Dreamweb had you knocking off various nasty people to maintain balance in the world. Some of these people were truly evil and psychotic, some of them were rockstars in the middle of some nookie.
Note: the fun begins at the 4:34 mark. Apologies for the length (…of the video).
Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore
Type: Unlockable naked ninja girl left in the game by the devs
Via badhacksBHDN: This isn’t technically a hack, but there’s a custom Action Replay Max save file that uncovers an existing (but hidden) element of Dead or Alive 2. When Tecmo made Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore for the PS2, they included a nude Kasumi polygon model, but dummied it out during normal gameplay. The guys at Datel who made Action Replay Max for the PS2 created a code for their cheat device that made it possible to play as the nude Kasumi model. Tecmo got butthurt and sued Datel, and Datel then removed the code from their websites.
Duke Nukem 3d
Type: Topless stripper
The mighty Duke is no stranger to a bit of smut. In fact, he was probably the guy who first introduced all of us to it. Here is a brief look at the partially naked escapades of the love child of Dolph Lungren and Arnold Schwarzenegger. (0:45)
Playboy the Mansion
Type: Topless Virtual sex
As far as business management sims go, Playboy the Mansion has got to hold to hold the title of ‘Most breasts in Genre’. Kicking about as Hugh Hefner had its benefits too as you could woo and bed your playmates in topless, (sadly) pants on simulated sex. Pity about the actual gameplay though…
Conker’s Bad Fur Day
Type: Giant/ tiny cavepenis
Facing off against the mighty Uga Buga was one truly memorable scene from this Rare classic. Memorable because you had to bite chunks out his butt with a raptor, memorable because his loincloth fell off and you discovered his horrible secret.
GTA: The Lost and Damned
Type: Downloadable, full frontal wang
We don’t really want to talk about it, other than to say Stubbs was a very well written character despite the fact that you see him naked 90% of the game.
GTA: San Andreas
Type: Hidden sex minigame
Left over code can get you into a lot of trouble. Rockstar learned this fact when they accidentally left in an in-house sex minigame, which we’ve previously covered. True you had to use a cheat device to access it, but that didn’t stop many people from going out and buying one. It really makes us wonder if Rockstar secretly had shares in GameShark.
Update: It turns out gaming + nudity = quite a bit more popular than we originally thought (funny, that). Since that article we’ve done some further investigation and found an absolute treasure trove of additional examples that show just how well nudity and videogaming mesh.
In some cases we witnessed seedy videogame designers basing a whole game off nudity, or sometimes they may even use nudity in an advertising sense to promote their product – you’ll see some examples of that here today.
On the other side of the end-user agreement, you have gamers who take it upon themselves to ‘bush mechanic’ some nudity into their favorite games via reverse engineering – you’ll see a ton of that here too. Enjoy (and probably NOT at work).
Art of Love 2
This is a clip of Art of Love 2 a PC “game” that lets a desperate user interact with a realistic 3D woman. You could argue that this is a good test of a 3d graphics card, but you’d be lying, and your eye sight would be subpar… for obvious reasons.
Human nudity: awesome. Blue skinned elven nudity: Stupidly Awesome. Now we know why this game is so damned popular…
A samurai (with an afro) squares off against a bunch of topless ninja strippers. Note to designers: all games need ninja strippers — patch your games, now. Go to 8:30.
Bubble Bath Babes
One of the rarest games on the NES that offers some sweet (read: dodgy and pixilated) nude action.
This is the cruelest trailers we’ve ever seen. Actual nudity appears at the 4:00 mark, but you have to sit through four minutes of really trippy, trippy shit to get there. Which is diabolical.
There are more adult mods for this franchise than citizens in Iceland. Rock Paper Shotgun has put together a video guide to the best ones.
Here’s one for the ladies. Admittedly, we’d like to include more nude guy videos but they’re rather hard to find. Wonder why…
This…is some sort of B-grade, foreign PC management game. We managed to find an English description:
The player manages a company which does business in several erotic industries, e.g. pornographic movies or sex toys. The whole game is spent in statistics screens and menus where the player sets the details of his business, e.g. how many toys he wants to produce in the next week or the development budget. The game features a free playing mode and nine scenarios which have different winning conditions.
A mini game is associated which the movie production. The player operates a camera and can zoom in and out to film a not-naked woman’s body parts. Then he uses special effects, e.g. lights or flying hearts, on the material. When the hired director is better, there are more effects available. Depending on the quality of the production, it sells better or worse. Another special feature is that the player can motivate his hired woman by giving presents to her.
Welcome to one of the seediest games on the Panasonic 3DO: Janken Paradise (or “yankin’ paradise” as is more commonly known). Think strip poker meets rock scissors paper. It requires less skill, and everybody wins!
Age of Conan
Sometimes the best man for the job is a woman… without a top, apparently.
Not enough nudity for you? IS there EVER enough? No… probably not.