>costs as much as Cuphead (way more in some regions due to regional pricing)
>barely 2 hours long
>7 bosses total, 80% of the playthrough is shitty procedurally generated sidescroller levels
>by "procedurally generated" I mean literal empty corridors with a single background in loop and 2-3 enemies repeated non-stop for 5 MINUTES
>awful stock sounds for jumps and weapons
>bosses and enemies completely lack a good 90% of their sound effects
>controls are sluggish, the jumps are way too floaty and imprecise
>the dash is too long amd affected by momentum in extreme ways
>no invincibility frames after you get hit
>only 3 weapons and you have to swap them with the fucking d-pad directions, not a shoulder button
>since you have to move the thumb from the analog stick to the d-pad, you can't switch weapons while moving, also it takes a full second to swap and you can only do it while on the ground
>despite this shit being insanely clunky, the game expects you to swap weapons quickly for specific color-coded enemies and final boss
>you can't crouch, for some fucking reason
>you get a melee attack to destroy specific obstacles, but those obstacles stop appearing after the second level
>barely any visual or audio feedback that you are even damaging the boss
>boss fights are just bosses standing still and throwing 2-3 projectiles with the same exact patterns in loop for two minutes
>if you want to replay a boss, you have to repeat 1-2 sidescroll levels before it
>absurd difficulty spikes followed by braindead easy levels and bosses
>no cutscenes between boss phases, after boss death or before/after levels, literally just a couple pics as a powerpoint presentation
>clearly unfinished, aside from missing sounds and cutscenes and animations, the last two worlds are like 6 different themes slapped together without any sense, with two """bosses""" lasting barely 30 seconds each
>co-op is straight up unusable
Holy fuck this shit was a torture to finish
>Cuphead
cringe
>Enchanted Portals
Pure undistilled SOVL.
take your fucking (You)
Basado
Cupheadxisters.. our response??
This thing actually released?
Probably because they ran out of funds. It's unfinished, the sound work alone proves it.
why did you even buy it though, the concept looks shit, the art looks trash.
>implying I paid for it
I was genuinely gonna spend 5$ since I was in the mood for 2D bosses, but 20$? Fuck this
>I was genuinely gonna spend 5$ since I was in the mood for 2D bosses, but 20$? Fuck this
oh well if you pirated it that's okay then, it's just self torture, that's ok masochist.
Man that is a lot of run n gun sins goddamn
Why is I.M. Meen there and why is he looking up the girl's skirt?
That's Beethoven
It's one of the two bosses that last for 30 seconds
post your game?
Sad thing is that the animation and art direction can be pretty good in certain places. They have potential, but it's like they made a couple of levels for the Kickstarter just to show it off, but then when the Kickstarter failed they just rushed it out as quickly as possible which is weird because it's self published and made by only two people. They could've spent a lot more time on it, but they didn't for some reason.
Fucking state of the economy they might have needed the quick injection of cash even if releasing later might have gotten them a lot more cash, I hate liberals so fucking much it's unreal, they caused us to get a shitty videogame where we might have gotten a mediocre one instead
For how much the Beethoven boss was in marketing from the beginning his fight is like 20 seconds long. It's also a rare good boss idea in this game since you're basically Jerry in that short where he's inside Tom's piano and the chords he plays actually play in the OST at the same time. Of course the best idea is basically unfinished.
The e-boi in seashell bikini is the only positive note of this mess
Oh my
bouta cum
>don't have an original idea
>decide to just copy another idea as closely as you can
>forget that you don't have anywhere near the actual talent or funding behind you, figure people might just not care enough
>completely fail on release
Honestly, what the fuck were they expecting? They set themselves up for failure by making it so directly obviously a Cuphead knockoff. This is the type of shit that would pop up on the Wii in a bargain bin at Target. If they had tried being original on it, less people would have been as harsh.
I will now play your game.
>entire channel is vore pregnant inflation thumbnails
Feels bad knowing this is the channel that makes some kid have to live a life with a terrible fetish after being "awakened"
That's why you don't let your kids on the internet. People who got hit with the bug like me won't pass on the same mistake to our kids.
>Kusemek
I haven't seen any of his videos pop up in my reccomendations in forever, glad to see he's still up to his usual shit.
Good lord. Anybody got a source for that Cala Maria?
The funny thing is I'm pretty sure he does damageless/deathless runs of porn games so as to not get any h-scenes. Shows the flaw in a game where the part you want to see is the fail state.
I thought it might have been that guy, I vaguely recognized the name, but genuinely don't know if I've ever clicked the channel before after seeing it.
Nevermind, the madman put the source in the top comment.
https://www.deviantart.com/dapervianweeb/art/Calamaria-974811435
>paywalls the names of featured porn games
Literal Flash Game, and then there's the fucking stock sound effects
?t=636
>read comments praising the art style changes during fights
>check the game
>it only happens TWICE in the entire game
>they went through with changing the bison boss
Unsurprising, but still lame.
It's all so tiring, but as you said unsurprising so maybe it's not worth getting upset
Little devil inside on the other hand probably could have gotten away with remaining unchanged they shouldn't have caved
>those piss easy bosses
>those tweened animations
>those inbetween stages
Jesus christ its all so terrible
I really have no idea why they didn't commit more to certain ideas here, other than the clear lack of experience. Like, why do the first and final bosses completely change your art style, but like, they didn't even do anything with that? If it had been like a Fairly Oddparents Channel Chasers kind of thing, maybe it would have stood out more from Cuphead. It'd still need to have actual gameplay worth a shit, but at least the theme wouldn't just be a straight up copy.
>lets copy cuphead but have the artsyle be a mixture of tumblr and calarts
Shit was doomed to fail from day 1
You CAN take inspiration from old cartoons without it being a shameless and derivative pile of pie-eyed trash, you know.
To play devils advocate they didn't have much of a budget to do it with since their Kickstarter failed
>if you want to replay a boss, you have to repeat 1-2 sidescroll levels before it
This I definitely cannot forgive though I'm still fucking mad about Bayonetta almost 10 years later, I liked the space harrier bit but there was no reason to make you redo it to fight Jeane again
>absurd difficulty spikes followed by braindead easy levels and bosses
I don't know why people aren't giving Armored Core 6 more shit for this, Balteus isn't fun it's just unfair
oh hey I saw a vid on that too
is it true they didn't ship with a save option?
Yep, watching a video about it right now. Also key binding always resets when you close the game and those run and gun levels have the enemies constantly following you, no despawning.
The amount of indie shovelware out there today is really giving me Video game crash vibes
the multibillion dollar and still growing industry with reviews and full playthroughs being released same day for almost every game
this is totally the same situation as the crash
Would it be too much effort to edit the sony goldman dabbing in the portal with his ass out
>cherrypicking
kys
Entirely based self-inflicting-agony reviewer OP, saving our time and giving us a festive yarn of his wretched ordeals.